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The Man Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally , THE GUYS’ SIDE OF THE STORY.
( I must admit, it’s pretty good.)
We always hear ‘ the rules ‘
From the female side.

NOW HERE ARE THE RULES FROM THE MALE SIDE.

These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered  ‘1′ ON PURPOSE!

1.   Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It’s like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are.
Don’t ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the   other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We haveno idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say ‘nothing,’ We will act like nothing’s wrong..
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, Expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine…Really .

1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape.   Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.

A farm girl from Saskatchewan walks into a bar in Calgary and  orders three mugs of Bud.

She sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in  turn. When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders  three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the farm girl, ‘You know, a mug  goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.’

The farm girl replies, ‘Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is  in Australia, the other is in Cranbrook . When we all left our home  in Saskatchewan, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the  days when we drank together. So I’m drinking one beer for each of my  sisters and one for myself.’

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it  there. The farm girl becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks  the same way. She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars  take notice and fall silent. When she comes back to the bar for the  second round, the bartender says, ‘I don’t want to intrude on your  grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.’

The farm girl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns  in her eyes and she laughs.’Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,’ she  explains, ‘It’s just that my husband and I joined the Baptist Church  and I had to quit drinking. Hasn’t affected my sisters though.’

NUMBER 5: They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen.

NUMBER 4: ‘This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time-management course you sent me to.

NUMBER 3: ‘Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-out. You probably got here just in time!

NUMBER 2:  Did you ever notice sound coming out of these key boards when you put your ear down real close?

Number 1  best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk: (Raising your head slowly) ‘… in Jesus’ name, Amen

How To Dance In The Rain

It was a busy morning, about 8:30, when an elderly gentleman in his 80’s, arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb.

He said he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9:00 am.

I took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an hour before someone would be able to see him.

I saw him looking at his watch, and decided, since I was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound.

On exam, it was well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors, got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound.

While taking care of his wound, I asked him if he had another doctor’s appointment this morning, as he was in such a hurry.

The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife.

I inquired as to her health. He told me that she had been there for a while and that she was a victim of Alzhei mer’s Disease.

As we talked, I asked if she would be upset if he was a bit late. He  replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized him in five years now.

I was surprised, and asked him, ‘And you still go every morning,  even though she doesn’t know who you are?’

He smiled as he patted my hand and said, ‘She doesn’t know me, but I
still know who she is.’

I had to hold back tears as he left, I had goose bumps on my arm, and thought, ‘That is the kind of love I want in my life.’

True love is neither physical, nor romantic. True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be, and will not be.

With all the jokes and fun that are in e-mails, sometimes there is one that comes along that has an important message.

This one I thought I could share with you.

The happiest people don’t necessarily have the best of everything;  they just make the best of everything they have.

‘Life isn’t about how to survive the storm,
But how to dance in the rain.’

1. Nope, I don’t think there is a reserve around here.
2. I heard the bonspiel was going to be alcohol free.
3. Did you hear Nicole Kidman was spotted in Prince Albert?
4. Duct tape isn’t going to fix that.
5. Come to think of it cancel that beer, I’ll have a wine spritzer.
6. We don’t keep firearms in this house.
7. Is the seafood fresh?
8. Sorry can’t help you, I don’t know where you could find a VLT.
9. I think John Deere green looks tacky.
10. No kids in teh back of the pickup, it’s just not safe.
11. I think it’s fair that Teresa lost the idol competition, that little Albertan hobbit was just way more talented.
12. Honey, did you mail that donation to P.E.T.A?
13. So, that’s a tractor?
14. Perogies? What is that?
15. Why would we need beer? I thought we were just going fishing. (hunting, curling, across the street)
16. Honey, we don’t need another dog.
17. Who’s Tommy Douglas?
18. So a Co-op is a store? Is there one is this town?
19. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
20. Could you give me a hand to draw this map. The top and bottom are just straight lines, what bout the sides?
21. I just couldn’t find a thing at Canadian Tire today.
22. Over here is our line of tofu meat products.
23. Aw Tim Horton’s again, there’s a Starbucks down the street.
24. Why would you need a big truck like that?
25. So that’s a buffalo, what’s a bison?
26. DId you remember to change your clock.
27. I was thinking of adding a spoiler to my lowered Honda.
28. Are you going to make it to Saskatoon for the gay parade?
29. I don’t think the Roughriders have a chance this year.
30.I’ve got two cases of Corona for the Grey Cup.
31. Could I please be served in French.
32. I just don’t feel like Bingo tonight.
33. Shame about Moose Jaw getting hit by that hurricane. (mudslide, earthquake, volcano, avalache, ect.)
34. So, what phone company are you with?
35. Hey, here’s an episode of Corner Gas that we haven’t seen.
36. I don’t have a favorite farm eqipment brand.
37. It’s just over that hill (or just around the bend in the hiway)
38. I’m just going to skip white tail season this year, I can’t find anyone to tape the View.
39. I’m rooting for the Eskimos to take it.
40. Nope, no more for me, I’m snowmobiling home.

Results of a recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.
* This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue  in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your  sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the Hallway you both say ’screw you.’

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.
* Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.
* This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And; Last, but not least, The 7th kind of sex is called:  Canada Pension Sex.
* You get a little each month, but not enough to enjoy yourself.

PLEASE, DO NOT REPLY TO TELL ME WHAT STAGE YOU ARE IN.   I have enough problems of my own

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school  cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal  trainer named Brad, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

——————————————————————————–

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found  it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Brad waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing  eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Brad gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Brad was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

——————————————————————————–

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.

Brad made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I  made the full mile. Brad’s rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It’s a whole new life for me.

——————————————————————————–

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Brad was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Brad put me on the  stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Brad told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.

——————————————————————————–

THURSDAY :

Brad was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn’t help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Brad took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny bitch to find me.

Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine — which I sank.

——————————————————————————–

FRIDAY :

I hate that Brad more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little #@*. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.

Brad wanted me to work on my triceps. I don’t have any triceps! And if you don’t want dents in the floor, don’t hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.

Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

——————————————————————————–

SATURDAY :
Brad left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

——————————————————————————–

SUNDAY :
I’m having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun — like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds…

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

“Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.  Is something bothering you?”

“Negative, ma’am. Just serious by nature.”

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, “It looks like you have seen a lot of action.”

“Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.”

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.”

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, “You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?”

” 1955, ma’am.”

“Well, there you are. No wonder you’re so serious.  You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to “relax” him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, “Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1955.”

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, “I hope not; it’s only 2130 now.”

Three blondes died and found themselves standing  before St. Peter.

He told them that before they could enter the  Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter  represented.

The first blonde, an American, said “Easter is a  holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and  eat turkey.”

St. Peter said, “Noooooo,” and he banished her  to Hell.

The second blonde, a Brit, said “Easter  is when we celebrate Jesus’ birth and exchange  gifts.”

St. Peter  said, “Noooooo,” and he  banished her to Hell.

The third blonde, a Canadian, said she knew what  Easter was, and  St. Peter said,”So, tell  me.”

She said, “Easter is a Christian holiday that  coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover.  Jesus  was having  Passover feast  with His disciples when He was betrayed by Judas, and  the Romans arrested Him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually  He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large  boulder…

St. Peter said, “Verrrrrry  good.”

Then the blonde continued, “…now, every year  the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out.  If he  sees his shadow, we have six more  weeks of hockey.”

St. Peter  fainted.

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, “When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I’ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.”

The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.

The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office and says, “I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.”

The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.”

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word.After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, “I want you to send her the word “comfortable.”

The operator shakes his head. “How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word”comfortable?”

The brunette explains, “My sister’s blonde. The word is big. She’ll read it very slowly…”com-for-da-bul.