Q. What is an ‘Economic Stimulus’ payment ?

A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q.. Where will the government get this money ?

A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?

A. Only a smidgen of it.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?

A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a High-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn’t that stimulating the economy of China ?

A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. Economy by Spending your stimulus check wisely:

• If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will Go to China or Sri Lanka .
• If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
• If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or China .
• If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala ..
• If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea .
• If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .
• If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go To management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in America by:

1) Spending it at yard sales, or

2) Going to ball games, or

3) Spending it on prostitutes, or

4) Beer or

5) Tattoos.

(These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S. )

Conclusion:

Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard Sale and drink beer all day !

While he was lying there, a cow came by and happened to have a poop right where the bird was lying.

As the frozen bird was laying there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The cow dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sign for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung – so he promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story

1. Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3. When you are in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!

‘I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,’ sighed the turkey,  ‘but I have not got the energy.’

‘Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?’ replied the bull; ‘they are packed with nutrients . .. ‘

The turkey pecked at a lump of bull dung and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more bull dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally, after five days of nibbling on the bull droppings, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story

Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, ‘Can I also sit like you and do nothing?’

The eagle responded; ‘Sure, why not.’

So the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up!

They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, ‘I’ll give each of you just one wish.’

‘Me first! Me first!’ says the admin clerk.  ‘I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.’

Puff! The clerk is gone!

‘Me next. Me next!’ the sales rep said. ‘I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, and an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.’

Puff! Off went the Sales Rep!

‘Ok, you are up,’ said the Genie to the manager.

The manager hardly paused before he said, ‘I want those two back in the office after lunch!’

Moral of the story

Always let your boss have the first say.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129!’

The priest removed his hand, but while changing gears he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said ‘Father, remember Psalm 129!’

The priest apologized ‘Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.’

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.  It said – ‘Go forth and seek, further up you will find glory.‘

Moral of the Story

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word – Bob says, ‘I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.’

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds Bob hands here $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom her husband asks – ‘Who was that?’

‘It was Bob the next door neighbor,’ she replies.

‘Great!’ the husband says, ‘Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?’

MORAL of the Story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

This is GOOD….I expect it back too!
I especially like the last sentence!!!!!!

A simple friend, when visiting, acts like a guest.
A real friend opens your refrigerator and helps himself and doesn’t feel even the least bit weird shutting your ‘Pepsi drawer’ with her foot!

A simple friend has never seen you cry.
A real friend shoulder is soggy from your tears…

A simple friend doesn’t know your parents’ first names.
A real friend has their phone numbers in his address book.

A simple friend brings a bottle of wine to your party.
A real friend comes early to help you cook and stays late to help you clean.

A simple friend hates it when you call after they’ve gone to bed.
A real friend asks you why you took so long to call.

A simple friend seeks to talk with you about your problems..
A real friend seeks to help you with your problems.

A simple friend wonders about your romantic history.
A real friend could blackmail you with it!

A simple friend thinks the friendship is over when you have an argument.
A real friend calls you after you had a fight.

A simple friend expects you to always be there for them.
A real friend expects to always be there for you!

A simple friend reads this e-mail and deletes it.
A real friend passes it on and sends it back to you!

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, ‘Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?

The father, surprised, answers, ‘Well, son, there are three kinds of Boobs:

In her 20′s, a woman’s are like melons, round and firm.

In her 30′s to 40′s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.

After 50, they are like onions’.

‘Onions?’

‘Yes, you see them and they make you cry.’

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,

‘Mum, how many kinds of ‘willies’ are there?.

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, ‘Well dear, a man goes through three phases.

In his 20′s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.

In his 30′s and 40′s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.

After his 50′s, it is like a Christmas Tree.’

‘A Christmas tree?’

‘Yes – the root’s dead and the balls are just for decoration.’

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

“Well,” said the director, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”

“Oh, I understand,” I said. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”

“No.” said the director, “A normal person would pull the plug.
Do you want a bed near the window?”

ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON,
OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE??