A little while later, the father heard a bloodcurdling scream and ran back to his son.  “What’s wrong?” The father asked, “I told you to be quiet.”

The boy, bless his heart, answered, “Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet.  I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck.  I didn’t move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder.  I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me.  I didn’t cough when I swallowed a gnat.  I didn’t cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching.  But when the two squirrels crawled up my pant legs and one of them said to the other, ‘Should we eat them here or take them with us?’ Well . . .. I guess I just panicked!”

THE BUZZARD:

If you put a buzzard in a pen that is 6 feet by 8 feet and is entirely
open at the top, the bird, in spite of its ability to fly, will be an
absolute prisoner. The reason is that a buzzard always begins a flight
from the ground with a run of 10 to 12 feet. Without space to run, as is
its habit, it will not even attempt to fly, but will remain a prisoner for
life in a small jail with no top.

THE BAT:

The ordinary bat that flies around at night, a remarkable  nimble creature
in the air, cannot take off from a level  place.  If it is placed on the
floor or flat ground, all it can do is shuffle about helplessly and, no
doubt, painfully, until it reaches some slight elevation from which it can
throw itself into the air. Then, at once, it takes off like a flash.

THE BUMBLEBEE:

A bumblebee, if dropped into an open tumbler, will be there until it dies,
unless it is taken out.  It never sees the means of escape at the top, but
persists in trying to find some way out through the sides near the
bottom…  It will seek a way where none exists, until it completely
destroys itself.

PEOPLE:

In many ways, we are like the buzzard, the bat, and the bumblebee. We
struggle about with all our problems and frustrations, never realizing
that all we have to do is look up!  That’s the answer, the escape route
and the solution to any problem!  Just look up.

Sorrow looks back. Worry looks around. Faith looks up!

Live simply, love generously, care deeply, speak kindly and trust in our
Creator who loves us.

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Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled ‘Gentlemen Only…Ladies Forbidden’…and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

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The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

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Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury.

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Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

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Coca-Cola was originally green.

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It is impossible to lick your elbow.

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Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

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The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

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The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

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Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:

Spades – King David Hearts – Charlemagne Clubs -Alexander, the Great Diamonds – Julius Caesar

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111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

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If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

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Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?

A. Obsession

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Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter ‘A’?

A. One thousand

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Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?

A. All were invented by women.

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Q. What is the only food that doesn’t spoil?

A. Honey

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In Shakespeare’s time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.

When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase……… ‘goodnight, sleep tight.’

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It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride’s father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.

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In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts… So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them ‘Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.’

It’s where we get the phrase ‘mind your P’s and Q’s’

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Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. ‘Wet your whistle’ is the phrase inspired by this practice.

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At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!

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- Now….
Don’t delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it.

I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in what oredr the ltteers in a word are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is that the first and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the word as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?
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YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2008 when…

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don’t have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn’t even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You’re reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn’t a #9 on this list.

~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~

NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.

Go on, forward this to your friends. You know you want to!

IDIOT SIGHTING:

We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a “large” enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute , and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time , a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said , “Lady , you need a 1/4 horsepower.” I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said , “NO , it’s not.” Four is larger than two.” 

We haven’t used Sears repair since. 

IDIOT SIGHTING:
My daughter and I went through the McDonald’s take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25 , so I also handed her a quarter.  She said , “you gave me too much money!”.

I said , “Yes I know , but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.”  She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so , and he handed me back the quarter , and said We‘re sorry but they could not do that kind of thing.” The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.
 
Do not confuse the clerks at McD’s

IDIOT SIGHTING:
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: “Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!   I don’t think this is a good place for  them to be crossing anymore.”

From Kingman, KS ..

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for “minimal lettuce.” He said he was sorry , but they only had iceberg lettuce.
From Kansas City

IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport , checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked , “Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?”

To which I replied , “If  it was without my knowledge , how would I know?” He smiled knowingly and nodded , 

“That’s why we ask.”

Happened in Birmingham , Ala

IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it’s safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.

Appalled , she responded , “What on earth are blind people doing driving?!”

She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS

IDIOT SIGHTING:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker leaving the company due to “downsizing.” Our manager commented cheerfully , “This is fun. We should do this more often.” Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life , couldn’t understand why her system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car , we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door.

As I watched from the passenger side , I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. “Hey , ” I announced to the technician , “its open!” His reply , “I know. I already got that side.”

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , Mississippi

STAY ALERT!  They walk among us… and the scary part is that they VOTE and REPRODUCE!

NUMBER 5: They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen.

NUMBER 4: ‘This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time-management course you sent me to.

NUMBER 3: ‘Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-out. You probably got here just in time!

NUMBER 2:  Did you ever notice sound coming out of these key boards when you put your ear down real close?

Number 1  best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk: (Raising your head slowly) ‘… in Jesus’ name, Amen