This is GOOD….I expect it back too!
I especially like the last sentence!!!!!!

A simple friend, when visiting, acts like a guest.
A real friend opens your refrigerator and helps himself and doesn’t feel even the least bit weird shutting your ‘Pepsi drawer’ with her foot!

A simple friend has never seen you cry.
A real friend shoulder is soggy from your tears…

A simple friend doesn’t know your parents’ first names.
A real friend has their phone numbers in his address book.

A simple friend brings a bottle of wine to your party.
A real friend comes early to help you cook and stays late to help you clean.

A simple friend hates it when you call after they’ve gone to bed.
A real friend asks you why you took so long to call.

A simple friend seeks to talk with you about your problems..
A real friend seeks to help you with your problems.

A simple friend wonders about your romantic history.
A real friend could blackmail you with it!

A simple friend thinks the friendship is over when you have an argument.
A real friend calls you after you had a fight.

A simple friend expects you to always be there for them.
A real friend expects to always be there for you!

A simple friend reads this e-mail and deletes it.
A real friend passes it on and sends it back to you!

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, ‘Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?

The father, surprised, answers, ‘Well, son, there are three kinds of Boobs:

In her 20’s, a woman’s are like melons, round and firm.

In her 30’s to 40’s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.

After 50, they are like onions’.

‘Onions?’

‘Yes, you see them and they make you cry.’

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,

‘Mum, how many kinds of ‘willies’ are there?.

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, ‘Well dear, a man goes through three phases.

In his 20’s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.

In his 30’s and 40’s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.

After his 50’s, it is like a Christmas Tree.’

‘A Christmas tree?’

‘Yes – the root’s dead and the balls are just for decoration.’

1. Try everything twice. On one woman’s tombstone she said she wanted this epitaph: “Tried everything twice, loved it both times!”

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down. (Keep this in mind if you are one of those grouches!)

3. Keep learning: Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain get idle. ‘An idle mind is the devil’s workshop.’ And the devil’s name is Alzheimer’s!

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. And if you have friends who makes you laugh, spend lots and lots of time with THEM..

6. The tears happen: Endure, grieve, and move on.
The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. LIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love: Whether it’s family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don’t take guilt trips. Take a trip to the shops, the city, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
I love you, my special friend.

11. Forgive now, those who made you cry. You might not get a second chance.

Hope you share this with others.

Remember! Lost time can never be found.

Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is facing some kind of struggle.

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

“Well,” said the director, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”

“Oh, I understand,” I said. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”

“No.” said the director, “A normal person would pull the plug.
Do you want a bed near the window?”

ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON,
OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE??

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, Yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, ‘Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.

Nice children you have there. Are they twins?’

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,

‘Hell no, they ain’t twins. The oldest one’s 9, and the other one’s 7.
Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?’

So I replied,
‘I’m neither blind nor stupid, Ma’am, I just couldn’t believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.’

My supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work.

10 men and 1 woman.

The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.

They weren’t able to choose that person,
until the woman gave a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping …..

IDIOTS!

Once he survives the night, he is a MAN.

He cannot tell the other boys of this experience, because each lad must come into manhood on his own.

The boy is naturally terrified.
He can hear all kinds of noises.
Wild beasts must surely be all around him.
Maybe even some human might do him harm.
The wind blew the grass and earth, and shook his stump, but he sat stoically, never removing the blindfold. It would be the only way he could become a man!

Finally , after a horrific night the sun appeared and he removed his blindfold.
It was then that he discovered his father sitting on the stump next to him.
He had been at watch the entire night, protecting his son from harm.
We, too, are never alone.
Even when we don’t know it, God is watching over us, sitting on the stump beside us.
When trouble comes, all we have to do is reach out to Him.
If you liked this story, pass it on.
If not, you took off your blindfold before dawn.

Moral of the story:
Just because you can’t see God,
Doesn’t mean He is not there.
‘For we walk by faith not by sight’

Truck stuck by backhoe

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Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled ‘Gentlemen Only…Ladies Forbidden’…and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

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The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

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Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury.

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Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

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Coca-Cola was originally green.

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It is impossible to lick your elbow.

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Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

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The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

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The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

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Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:

Spades – King David Hearts – Charlemagne Clubs -Alexander, the Great Diamonds – Julius Caesar

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111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

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If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

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Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?

A. Obsession

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Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter ‘A’?

A. One thousand

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Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?

A. All were invented by women.

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Q. What is the only food that doesn’t spoil?

A. Honey

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In Shakespeare’s time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.

When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase……… ‘goodnight, sleep tight.’

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It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride’s father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.

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In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts… So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them ‘Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.’

It’s where we get the phrase ‘mind your P’s and Q’s’

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Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. ‘Wet your whistle’ is the phrase inspired by this practice.

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At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!

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- Now….
Don’t delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it.

I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in what oredr the ltteers in a word are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is that the first and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the word as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?
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YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2008 when…

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don’t have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn’t even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You’re reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn’t a #9 on this list.

~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~

NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.

Go on, forward this to your friends. You know you want to!

2. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

3. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat – use the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you’ll be afraid to cough.

7. You only need two tools in life – WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape.

8. Remember – everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

9. If you can’t fix it with a hammer, you’ve got an electrical problem.

Daily Thought: Some people are like slinkies – not really good for anything, but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs .