Husband: “Of course not.”

Wife: “Why not? Don’t you like being married?”

Husband: “Ok, I would marry again.” (annoyed)

Wife: “Oh…” (sad)

Husband: -silence-

Wife: “Would you live in our house?”

Husband: “Sure, it’s a great house.”

Wife: “Would you two sleep in our bed?”

Husband: “Where else would we sleep?”

Wife: “Would you let her drive my car?”

Husband: “I guess I would, it’s almost new.”

Wife: “Would she use my golf clubs, too?”

Husband: “No, she’s left handed.”

The genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish.”

“Me first! Me first!” says the administration clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” The genie snapped his fingers and poof, the woman disappeared.

“Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” The genie once again snapped his fingers and poof, the man disappeared.

“OK, you’re up,” the genie says to the manager.

The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.” ]]> http://www.laughsandfun.com/2012/01/genies-and-managers/feed/ 0 http://www.laughsandfun.com/2012/01/new-speeding-rules/ http://www.laughsandfun.com/2012/01/new-speeding-rules/#comments Wed, 18 Jan 2012 02:46:07 +0000 Funny Guy http://www.laughsandfun.com/?p=160 After issues with my boys school cell phone rules – I wrote this . ..

New rules of Speeding

Speeding is now allowed depending on the following rules.

First and foremost vehicles should be used to transport people safely, so speeding should not be done when not safe.

Speeding will be monitored by individual RCMP detachments, as well as individual city and town enforcement officers.  Depending upon where you are – different rules regarding speeding may be in effect.

While on the main highway, speeding is allowed on sunny days, and if you ask permission that time.

While in town A speeding is only allowed on sunny days, but not near evening or in the early morning – permission is not needed to be asked.

While in town B speeding is only allowed when you ask permission, even if others are allowed to speed – you still need to ask permission every time.

While in town C speeding is never allowed!!

While on secondary highways speeding can be done even if not safe, as long as no one else is being bothered by your speeding.

Their are consequences for breaking these new rules for speeding.

The consequences range from being asked to stop speeding, to not being able to drive for an hour, or even for not being able to drive for the rest of the day.  If you do this more than once, your spouse may need to come in and get your vehicle for you.

The law enforcement agency that happens to catch you speeding gets to decide on the consequence for speeding. They get to use their discretion as to which consequence they should put in place.

Oh – by the way, if you happen to be doing other infractions, or even just be not as good a driver, you may get a more serious consequence when they do catch you for speeding.

For instance, if you happen to tailgate a little closer than the standard 3 car lengths, and habitually do this, well then you will probably get your car taken away for an hour if caught speeding.  Another thing is if you can’t drive quite as straight in your lane, you are one of those who wander within your lane rather than drive straight as an arrow – well then you will probably either not be able to drive for the day, or even have to have your spouse come in and get your vehicle.

I hope that these new rules for speeding make everyone happy.

Have a great day!

Your friendly neighborhood Government body.

“Last night, I cashed my pogey and went to buy a mickey of C.C. at the beer parlour, but my skidoo got stuck in the muskeg on my way back to the duplex. I was trying to deke out a deer, you see. Damn chinook, melted everything. And then a Mountie snuck up behind me in a ghost car and gave me an impaired. I was S.O.L., sitting there dressed only in my Stanfields and a toque at the time. And the Mountie, he’s all chippy and everything, calling me a “shit disturber” and what not. What could I say, except, “Sorry, EH!”

If the person you are talking to nods sympathetically, they’re one of us. If, however, they stare at you with a blank incomprehension, they are not a real Canadian. Have them reported to the authorities at once.

“It will have lakes, tall mountains, as well as big trees covering the land. The air will be crisp and fresh , the water will always be clean, and the people will be the most friendly you will ever meet.”

“I will call it Canada and the people living inside; Canadians.”

“But God.” the angel questioned, “don’t you think you are being too nice to these Canadians?”

“Nope!” replied God, “Just wait ’till you see their neighbors!”

1. The woman buys the food.
2. The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill – drink in hand.
4. The MAN places the meat on the Grill!
5. The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.  He thanks her and asks if she will bring another drink while he deals with the situation.
7. The MAN takes the meat of the Grill and hands it to the Woman.
8. The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces and brings them to the table.
9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.   And most important of all.
10. Everyone praises THE MAN and THANKS him for his cooking efforts.
11. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed “her night off” and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concluded that there is ‘just no pleasing a woman‘.

By the way – - -take not of steps 4 and 7 – boys especially – live and learn!! Those are the important parts.

The wife replied, “What does it say on your sweatshirt?”

The man yelled back, “University of Regina!”

” . . .and then she hit me with a maple leaf,”  the old man stated.

“Surely that couldn’t have caused you any serious injury?”  said the lawyer.

“Are you kidding — ?” exclaimed the old man, “It was the leaf from the center of our dining room table!”

A little while later, the father heard a bloodcurdling scream and ran back to his son.  “What’s wrong?” The father asked, “I told you to be quiet.”

The boy, bless his heart, answered, “Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet.  I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck.  I didn’t move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder.  I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me.  I didn’t cough when I swallowed a gnat.  I didn’t cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching.  But when the two squirrels crawled up my pant legs and one of them said to the other, ‘Should we eat them here or take them with us?’ Well . . .. I guess I just panicked!”